I will try again tomorrow.
This is a new phrase I’ve had to add to my vocabulary since my “back”. That’s what we call it, but turns out it’s probably the same “mystery disease” that we’ve been trying to figure out for my sister. Turns out this is probably a neurological genic disease that my grandpa died from—too bad that autopsy was lost, huh? Point is, is we’re talking about a neurological disease, proof shows us over and over again that no matter how painful moving is, the more you move the more you get to keep moving. No matter how badly you want to sit, you just can’t if you hope to keep functioning. Oh, but if you move—forcing yourself through pain that makes you vomit--you’ll feel like you have a concussion perpetually, unable to think of even basic language, let alone real life problems. Good luck!
When we found out my face was broken and I wasn’t able to compete anymore there was mourning. The thing was, I love boxing. Period. I love sparring too. I love the drilling that most people loathe. I love myself as my main competition to just get to become everything I can become. With that attitude comes this pickiness where you always see all of your faults no matter what level you reach. I guarantee you that Lomo’s dad seems to still find all of his faults, that Mayweather sees himself and says “yeah, but that step! Why can’t I make my body do that step?!?” I guarantee you this because it’s what makes us great boxers. We’re perfectionists that believe if we just work a little harder, a little longer, just drill that step in front of the mirror 100 more times..…
So I’m talking to probably .05% of the population honestly. The rest of you, get back to work and if you just work harder you’ll reach your dreams. But for that .05% of the population that I’m speaking to right now: celebrate every once in a while. Every great once in a while, tell yourself that you will try again tomorrow. You already know you will. You’re scared to death that if you let something slip just one time—if you give yourself permission to let go and relax for one day that’ll turn into a year, and a decade, and then you’ll die having given up on this particular day, all because you went to bed at a decent time after giving the day everything you had. I have been the person up in front of the mirror at 4 am trying to perfect that slip I couldn’t get. That has it’s place, and that’s what makes you great. Don’t stop seeing that and don’t stop believing in that unending practice and hard work. I always say that if I get only one push-up in then its still one more push-up towards my goal than I would have had. But never in my life have I struggled so hard to do 1 push-up sometimes. But the day before I did 500!?! Along with everything else plus run 3 practices!?! What is going on?
And thus I have learned the very hard way: I push. I push so hard I’m throwing up from the pain of getting out that 20 minutes of jump rope, that 300 squats, and that 60 push-ups. Maybe a little shadow boxing, and 3 rounds of heavy bag tops. And that took me all day with tons of breaks and just pain that would be unbearable for anyone else. How about those days I have to call into work because I’m incapable of walking? How am I going to pick up my kids from school? I have to ask for help from friends. I lay there in a neck brace replaying sparring, fights…even shadow boxing. All that my body is capable of. …But I’m also telling you, every great once in while, realize that if you go to bed, all cuddled up with your SO and/or your kids, you will wake up a different human.
Don’t live your life hating yourself for your weaknesses. Recognize them. Write a plan. Work the plan. And realize that you are a human being that sometimes needs to be loved deeply by all of those that you’re working so hard for. They love you and have supported you to endless sacrifices on their parts. Even if missing out on being at home after school because you’re at the gym doesn’t feel like the same sacrifice you make getting beat in the face after a hard 12 hour day of work—trust me, they love you and believe in you so much, and they’re giving you everything that THEY have to give to show you. And they do this because they love you and believe in you. Take the evening. Be in bed, even in your neck brace if you need it, and just love them. Just lay there and say “I am enough for you.”
And believe it. Because for that .05% of us that can’t seem to believe and see it in ourselves, every once in a while we need the blinded love of a SO or a child to look at us like we just saved 12 senior citizens and 25 puppies and kittens from a fire and say “you’re my hero”. The thing is, even if they don’t say it. They feel it. Every family prayer, even on her list for Christmas, my daughter askes that my back gets better. She asked for about 3 things and 1 of them was for Mama’s back to get better. She’s not asking because of me not being able to clean up after her. She’s asking because she sees the pain and sadness in my eyes when I say “I can’t”. The words that I never want to EVER have to say to my kids, but to anyone, including myself.
See yourself, every once in a while, through the eyes of those that love you so dearly. You are enough. And tomorrow is another day.